well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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