1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
