Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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