Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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