I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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