She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
