I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
