The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
