The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
