I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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