I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
