She's JV to your varsity
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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