Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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