so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
