Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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