omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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