If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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