I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
