Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
