I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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