On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
