i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
