So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
