My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
