Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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