so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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