whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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