i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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