The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
