i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
