The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
