i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
