Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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