i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
