I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
