mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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