I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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