My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
