idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
We left an ass print on the piano.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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