Fine. I'll sleep in my office
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I looked at my own cervix.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
