A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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