I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
