She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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