Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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