Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I need moral support for this bender
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
