I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There's always time for handjobs
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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