just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Im part way to drunk.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
