i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
