dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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