Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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